Day 5 to 9

Kneady Boys
Day 5 of 18, 15:50
Monday 10 January

While waiting for Big Brother to give her subjects some chores, Queen Lisa has decreed a spot of boy teasing for the Royal Court.

Her Highness decided that footmen Jez and Bez, plus minstrel Kenzie, should give head and neck massages to her and her handmaidens. But it didn't look like too much of a burden for the boys.

In fact, Kenzie's massage technique looked more like, well, touching, particularly when his turn came on the delicate shoulders of Caprice. Kenzie managed not to drool down her however, but you can be sure he'll be dining out on it for years.

Lisa had, in fact, predicted he might not have the necessary touch.

"I bet they are rubbish. Kenzie's not going to be very good. Jeremy might be alright and Bez is keen."

Bez was keen. He even asked for some oil.

Lisa's crown prevented her royal head getting too much treatment. And she was glad the challenge wasn't too onerous for the boys as she is concerned about revenge once her reign is over. Of particular concern to her is that Caprice is getting more 'Queen-like' and may attract payback.

Indeed, Caprice told her Queen, "We just have to tell them how to [massage] and if they don't we just have to punish them again."

But Brigitte's attitude was much more social. "If Big Brother would let us take off our clothes, it would be even better," she said.

If that's punishing the boys, what would they do to cheer them up?

Home Stallone!
Day 5 of 18, 23:10
Monday 10 January
Jackie Stallone has been given a tour of her new home, and it's difficult to say who's more shocked - the new celebrity housemate or her ex-daughter-in-law, Brigitte.

The former Mrs Stallone recovered her composure impressively after initial shock at the arrival of her erstwhile mother-in-law. And in no time at all, Brigitte initiated a guided tour for Jackie, mother of Sylvester.

Jackie was not impressed with what she saw.

"I don't think I'm going to get what I'm used to," gasped a stunned Jackie as she cast her heavily made-up eyes over the Big Brother living room.

Nor was she taken with the bathroom facilities.

"This looks like a stable," she commented, looking disdainfully towards the shower cubicle.

The sleeping arrangements were the final straw.

"Do I have to have one of these crappy beds?" she asked, pointing at a single. "You all deserve a medal!"

The worst was yet to come, when the gold clad grandma realised that cameras would be watching her every move.

"Do you understand the concept of the programme?" enquired a diplomatic Jeremy, as it became embarrassingly apparent that the newcomer wasn't overly familiar with the idea behind Big Brother.

"Who is Big Brother?" she wondered. "Is there a private room somewhere?" she proceeded to demand, unable to believe that she'd be filmed while asleep.

Despite her apparent distaste for the idea of being watched around the clock, Jackie was soon slipping off her fur coat and making herself at home by doing palm readings for Bez and Kenzie.

Brigitte, meanwhile, was doing her very best to stay alive in the wake of the blast from her past.

Chain-smoking on the sidelines, she proffered a limp wrist for Germaine to take her pulse.

A Right Royal Rap
Day 6 of 18, 02:00
Tuesday 11 January

Queen Lisa has been treated to a royal rap by her personal merry minstrel MC Merlin, AKA Kenzie.

Everyone whooped with excitement as Jeremy introduced the evening's entertainment. "Tonight for your entertaining pleasure, here is MC Merlin with another dope rap!" he announced.

The Queen had a special request for the teenage MC. "I'd like 20 pelvic thrusts to complete your performance" she demanded.

Jeremy was outraged on Kenzie's behalf. "That's a lot of thrusts," he told the cheeky Queen.

"There speaks an Englishman" Germaine commented, wryly.

Kenzie wasn't bothered about the thrusts, but worried that his Harry Potter style robe might get in the way of his performance. "Your majesty" he said "I prefer doing it with less clothes".

"Yo yo yo" began Kenzie. "Be sure, hate me, MC's outta date, see. Men's got profit to make, but who's been scoffing all da cake?" he asked.

"I need a private jet and a wife that I won't regret," he continued.

Kenzie's efforts earned him a big hug from Caprice. "You're so cute" she told him.

The performance also got the royal seal of approval. "You know you're bad," said Queen Lisa. "The Queen is pleased".

"That was lovely," said fellow musician Bez.

Brigitte also enjoyed the performance, but wondered why Kenzie hadn't rapped about life in the Big Brother house.

"I've tried to write about the House," Kenzie told Brigitte. "But the first two lines just won't come".

Could MC Merlin be suffering from minstrel's block?

Kenzie 4 Caprice!
Day 6 of 18, 07:23
Tuesday 11 January

Kenzie revealed he would jump at the chance of a night with Caprice as he and Brigitte talked into the wee small hours.

The others slept as the pair discussed everything from snowboarding to home improvements like a couple of old blokes in the pub. Eventually the conversation turned to girls; one girl in particular.

"[Caprice] is a glamour model at the top of her game," said the Blazin' Squad member of his aesthetically-pleasing Housemate.

It's a description that could once have been applied to Brigitte, but if the comparison hurt she didn't let it show.

"Would you spend the night with her?" asked Brigitte casually.

"Course I would!" chortled Kenzie. "I'd be mad to turn the offer down," he said.

And as Kenzie reassured Brigitte he wasn't going to bed, saying he'd "toured the world and stayed up really late," Caprice lounged in the sauna wearing nothing but a hot pink bikini. If only he'd known...

Morning Has Broken
Day 7 of 18, 12:32
Wednesday 12 January

A new day dawns and it seems the celebrities are still taking time to get used to new arrival Jackie.

As John did the rounds changing microphone batteries, he came to a sudden halt when he reached the door to Jackie's room.

The group reassured him that she was probably awake as Big Brother's alarms had fallen silent, but John still didn't fancy disturbing her. "I want to live longer than that," he muttered.

Kenzie and Caprice offered to wake her for him, but they were spared leaving their beds when the lady herself appeared in the doorway.

Kenzie made an admirable attempt to wish her good morning, congratulating her on managing to sleep through the drone of the bagpipes, but Jackie was quick to correct him. "Who slept through it? I ignored it," she claimed defiantly.

Jackie then flounced back into her room leaving Kenzie mumbling, "Well, good morning then," to the closed door.

Obviously she's not a morning person

John Snaps
Day 6 of 18, 20:45
Tuesday 11 January

After two days of virtual silence, John has once more made his presence felt, after a practical joke went horribly wrong.

Unbeknown to the fan of fizzy drinks, naughty housemates Jeremy and Kenzie had chain-locked the fridge, cutting John off from his vital supplies.

On discovering the locked fridge, John flew into a frenzy, and, assuming Big Brother was behind it, stormed off to the Diary Room to have words.

But he soon had to eat said words, after Big Brother told him in no uncertain terms that he had his wires crossed.

As it slowly dawned on John that he had pointed the finger of blame in the wrong direction, he muttered a sheepish apology, before stomping back out into the Lounge to let off steam at the real rogues.

"This is not funny!" he yelled at his housemates. "It's thoughtless. Your jokes are not funny!"

"Don't do that ever again," he hissed, when Caprice had the audacity to apologise. "NEVER play practical jokes on me again."

Unwilling to see poor old Caprice get the blame, Kenzie jumped in and admitted he had cooked up the idea to try in an effort to lighten the mood.

A series of apologies helped calm John's ferocious temper and after helping himself to a drink from the unlocked fridge he began to mellow.

"John, you saved the day," decided Jackie, explaining that, for her, his moody outburst had broken up an otherwise uneventful evening.

Danish Baker
Day 8 of 18, 02:40
Thursday 13 January

The housemates had all settled into their beds when Kenzie complained that he was hungry. Brigitte saw her call to action and was soon stood by the stove cooking up a treat for the hungry lad.

Brigitte's dish of choice was pasta with bacon and cheese. However, she was unimpressed by the bacon on offer.

"This is bacon?" she asked in shock, holding up the limp pink slices. Being Danish, Brigitte is used to the best in that particular department.

"The bacon in Denmark is sooo serious," Kenzie mused with great emphasis

"Oh Danish bacon! They're known for it," added Bez, ambling nearby before burning himself on the kettle.

Brigitte then got Kenzie to grate some cheese.

"Are you sure you can handle it?" she asked the cherubic rapper, who assured the carbonara cook he'd used one before.

Kenzie then sat at the breakfast bar and willingly tucked into his tasty treat

You Rang, M'Lady?
Day 8 of 18, 11:21
Thursday 13 January

Jackie may be hungry for harpists with her food but she is still reluctant to get her own breakfast. Luckily for her, Kenzie was quite willing to offer his services this morning.

Realising Jackie was clearly overwhelmed by the idea of making toast, the baby of the House stepped in to help. Of course Jackie was quick to take up the offer and reeled off her order. "I can't believe this kid is waiting on me," she squealed delightedly.

Apparently, neither could John who launched into another rant, but Jackie remained unmoved. "That guy needs to be straightened up," she advised Bez and Brigitte. "Life's tough enough without being insulted by a nobody. Has he looked in the mirror lately?"

While clearly her opinion of John couldn't get much lower, there wasn't enough praise in the world to lavish on her new butler Kenzie. "He's such a sweet little boy," she cooed. "He's 19 and learning to make coffee."

Yet while Kenzie is quite happy to get her some grub, he didn't seem too thrilled with the 'little boy' comment. "I already know how to make coffee, man," he protested.

What's next - soufflé?